Archive for January 20th, 2010
The loss of the first boyfriend or girlfriend is equivilant to the loss of a parent in emotions , heartaches and can create a trauma that needs close attention from the other parent and other family members. Because most parents at one time or another in their teen/tween years suffered the same emotional trauma that their teen/tweens will go through, it begs the question, “how to handle the situation in today’s world?”
If there was no Family Will to guide the remaining family members as to what to do next, additional trauma and anxiety is forced upon them. That trauma is akin to the breakup of your teens/tweens first romantic relationship and it must be handled with the greatest of empathy possible by the parents.
What parents should do_ _ _ and not do, according to clinical psychologists is :
Avoid temptation to say, “I told you so, “. Your automatic response may be to say “I told you not to take this relationship so seriously “, or, “I told you that you couldn’t trust him.” These statements are prone to making your teener feel more like a failure and are counterproductive to letting your teener know that you care.
Be empathic. Showing empathy means trying to put yourself in your child’s place. Try to remember how you felt with your first big emotional breakup. How did you feel ? Recall the most important reactions from others that were helpful to you.
Practice active listening. Good listening. Active listening is a powerful tool in connecting to your child. Let your child do the talking and accept whatever they are feeling at that time. Avoid minimizing or discounting their feelings. Use open-ended questions and try not to interupt while your teen is talking. “What happened? “, “How are you doing ?”, “Is there anything I can do to help?”
Avoid a Lecture. Now is not the time to be judgmental and critical of their mistakes or choices in the relationship that just ended. Your child is already obsessing about what they might have done wrong. When they are ready, you can talk about what they learned or how they can use the experience for future relationships.
Encourage peer support. Encourage them to keep in touch with their friends and to share information about the breakup with peers they trust. Help them get back into a routine with their interests as soon as they are ready. This helps your teener recognize that others care and they can do something concrete about feelings of loneliness.
Help to build self-confidence. It’s easy to lose perspective in the throes of a breakup. Help them see that even though the relationship ended, it was the relationship that failed, but they themselves are not failures.
Monitor for prolonged grieving and depression. Sadness and grieving are normal reactions, but consider getting professional help if: your teener seems to be depressed for more than a couple of weeks or expresses not wanting to go on: there is a marked change in their sleep or appetite: there is a total withdrawal from family and friends: or a loss of interest in school and activities.
Because teens and tweeners of family”s are a vital link with parents in the planning of any Family Will, Living Will or Living Trust, they should be brought into these discussions as early as possible so they realize that they are an important part of the family as young adults. Seeking their input into these vital discussions promotes responsible thinking for them. The more family members involved in this estate planning creates a more cohesive family after any family losses.
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